The short answer is a resounding “yes”. When your life becomes your practice and your practice becomes your life, progress is inevitable whether you have a family or not. In fact, the entire concept of progress is no longer applicable when the boundaries of "life" and "practice" are dropped.
Ashtavakra's answer and the answer presented at the beginning of this article are easier said than done and the answers will not be satisfying for most. It certainly wasn’t for me before walking the Path of Knowledge.
For example, at one point during my first vipassana course, I was quite convinced I would need to leave my wife and newborn daughter for a monastery to achieve any sort of spiritual progress. Clearly, there was quite a bit of ignorance at play.
Before reaching a satisfactory answer to the question of whether spiritual progress is possible with a family, we will need to dismantle some preconceived notions and beliefs.
We'll address a few items first:
(1) Why have we come to spirituality in the first place? What is our goal?
(2) Which spiritual path have we chosen and is it an appropriate path for me?
(3) Why is family considered a hindrance?
(4) Why is family considered separate from spiritual practice? Can it be included in our practice and even accelerate our progress?
Why have we come to spirituality in the first place? What is our goal?
Although this answer can have some variation from seeker to seeker, most will agree that they have pursued a spiritual path to obtain happiness, peace and freedom.
We’ve come to the conclusion that our life is unable to provide lasting happiness and freedom. This is not to say that the typical life of a "householder” (non-monastic) is wrong, it is recognizing the bitter truth that the ups and downs of every-day life are inevitable and painful. We haven’t found a way to be happy and free in the ways that society, school, or family suggest. Many spiritual paths make a promise for lasting happiness and freedom, which is why we are attracted to spirituality.
Although running away from life’s responsibilities and dedicating one’s entire life to pursuing a spiritual path is repeated over and over in history (I’m looking at you Siddhartha Gautama), for most seekers, this won't be the right answer. Leaving your family will not guarantee happiness and freedom. It is a shot in the dark to discard life’s responsibilities in search of happiness and freedom.
So, for those of us who have chosen to maintain the “householder” lifestyle, we frequently pursue a spiritual path on the side. We start to incorporate some meditation, mindfulness, yoga, or other practices. This is where the next question comes into play:
Which spiritual path are we on and is it an appropriate path for me?
At the end of a long day of work, taking children to after-school activities, and cleaning up the mess at the end of the day, most will have very little time for meditation or other practices. There are ways to combat this by waking up early or staying up late to "fit in" your practice.
I’ve tried this method. I spent a large portion of time waking up at 4:00am to meditate for 1-2 hours, believing I was working towards the ultimate goal of happiness and freedom. Unfortunately, my habitual tendency for perfection (ingrained by schooling, sports and profession), I expected to reach a virtuoso level in meditation but it just wasn't happening.
We must be honest with ourselves when it comes to progressive spiritual paths. Any path that requires training of the mind or body, requires a significant time commitment.
To become an expert in anything, it’s well known that one must put in approximately 10,000 hours of deliberate practice (generally under the guidance of a coach or teacher). 10,000 of deliberate practice is not going to happen when you find yourself in a busy lifestyle such as the one described above.
At first, we need to find a path that fits our lifestyle. For many busy householders, this needs to be a path that requires a manageable amount of effort (or none at all!). Many will turn to the Direct Path, or the Path of Knowledge as we refer to it here. All that is required is curiosity, critical thinking skills, and our direct experience and logic to bring us to the final goal, which is Knowledge of the Self or Self-Realization.
When we know our True Nature we include everything as our practice. We live in Awareness, abiding as the Experiencer of it all. Therefore, the question of progress is no longer applicable. That same effort put forth to find liberation can be simply witnessed and observed with equanimity. This is liberation itself. We find freedom everywhere regardless of the scenario.
Let us consider the next question:
Why do we consider family to be a hindrance?
Again, if we are on a progressive path of mind or body, we will need to put the time in. If you want to be a top-level athlete or the CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation, the family will need to take a back seat in most cases. In this way, some people will consider family to be a hindrance and yet another obstacle towards their goal.
Another way that family is considered a hindrance is that family is the best at “pushing our buttons”. It pulls us out of our equanimous states that were generated from our spiritual practice. Going back to our quote from the Ashtavakra, he was directly pointing to the ability of the family to "push our buttons".
This leads to the following question:
Why is family considered separate from spiritual practice and can it potentially accelerate progress?
Coming full circle, if we are fully dedicated to our goal of happiness and freedom, we will critically evaluate all aspects of our life that are causing suffering. We learn, either from a book, a teacher or spontaneous realization, that there is nothing wrong with what is “out there”. What’s wrong is our own habitual tendencies that choose to view situations, people, and things as negative. It’s our strong desire to get what we want. It’s the habit of the mind to create suffering.
So if our goal is happiness and freedom and we know that our own habitual reactions pull us into suffering, then we see that the entire life is an opportunity to grow.
When my daughter was born, I quickly realized that she would be my little Zen master. When a thought comes up “I can’t wait to have some free time tonight” and then crying comes from the baby monitor, there’s a choice that arises:
Should I get angry because I didn’t get “my free time” or should I try to learn the lesson that my little Zen master is teaching me?… "Drop the greed, drop the preferences, drop the selfishness, and find peace in every moment!"
Sometimes it feels like she's hitting me in the head with a stick but my little Zen master has taught me so much about how the mind creates problems for itself. I encourage everyone to use these opportunities to grow spiritually. Without my family, many blind spots would still be present. There would still be layers of ignorance waiting to create suffering. I could have left for a monastery but many of these tendencies would sit dormant until triggered by some other scenario.
Shinzen Young has a great saying that goes something like "you don’t have to go to a monastery because the monastery will come to everyone eventually". That quote sums it up quite nicely.
Conclusion:
If you have a family, job, and other life responsibilities and your spiritual goal is happiness and freedom, then choosing a path that will bring you to that goal as efficiently as possible is important. From my direct experience, that path is the Path of Knowledge.
Having said that, there are many other reasons to pursue a spiritual practice. If your goal is to develop refined levels of concentration or become a skilled occultist, you will likely need to reorganize your life to fit those goals. Remember, any skill of the mind or body takes a lot of time to master.
What we're talking about with Self-Realization through the Path of Knowledge is not a skill requiring hours of practice, it is a simple realization of your True Nature. Once your True Nature is known, peace and happiness will be known. What you thought was your spiritual practice simply merges with all other experiences. Happiness and freedom are found here and now, whether your sitting on a cushion meditating or cleaning up the milk your child spilled on the floor.
Very well articulated Nick! Essence of PoK is gleaming through your writing. Your have a splendid Zen Master.
ReplyDeleteThank you Muni!
DeleteBeautiful article Nick... Very nicely summed up the challenges faced by householders and the solution is very simple. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete🙏🙏🙏
Thank you Ashwin!
DeleteVery practical and logical article ..Will be very useful for all household seekers..
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading!
Delete**Happiness and freedom are found here and now, whether your sitting on a cushion meditating or cleaning up the milk your child spilled on the floor. **
ReplyDeleteSIr, does this article of yours talk on similar lines as KARM YOG?
However,kudos to you for such a detailed article.
Thanks so much for reading. This is a great question. I didn't have Karm Yog in mind when writing the article but the principles of Karm Yog fit quite well when thinking about life as a householder and seeker. Performing actions in a selfless way for those around us without any expectation for anything in return seems to be the ideal way to maintain happiness in relationships (although this doesn't mean that you should become a doormat for other people). So many of our relationships are transactional, meaning that we expect something from others in return for our actions. When the expectations aren't met, there is resentment. If we can drop those unfair expectations for others and become less concerned with "whats in it for me" after performing good deeds for others, there is probably going to be more peace.
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